Life Isn't a Pie: Trading Comparison for Connection

Oct 3, 2026 ·

How to stop comparing yourself to others and find real community

Somebody has to lose, right?

Why do we compare? And why does comparing almost always slide right into competing?

When I speak, I talk a lot about community — about the fact that we were made to connect. Not just in business. In our homes, our friendships, our churches, our everyday lives. But there are habits that quietly break community down, and the one that's been rattling around in my brain for weeks now is comparison.

Here's the trouble. Somewhere along the way, we decided that for me to win, you have to lose. It's called zero-sum thinking, and I saw actress Elizabeth Banks put it so simply the other day: life is not zero sum. We treat life like a pie. Eight slices. If you get a piece, that's one less piece for me.

BUT life is not a pie. Your win does not make me a loser. And if we could really believe that — if we could see that winning together lifts every single one of us — WOW. Imagine the life we would lead.

Comparison Hard Wired: You don't have to outrun the bear

Comparison is wired into us. You've heard the old joke: if a bear is chasing a group of people, I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you. (Which, now that I say it out loud, sounds a little selfish. Maybe we could work together on the bear situation.)

That survival instinct is real, and God wired it for good — fight or flight was made to protect us from actual danger.

But most of us are not running from bears on a regular basis. Not having a cuter dress than your friend on Facebook is NOT a dangerous situation. Not being the prettiest one in your friend group is NOT a dangerous situation.

When that instinct gets out of alignment with who God says we are, it stops protecting us and starts hurting us. It pushes us behind a facade. And here's what I've found: when I'm secure in who I am, I can be genuinely excited when you win — and I know you'll cheer for me when I win. That's not naive. That's community.

Hiding behind my glasses

Let's rewind to last year. I went to a Christian women's retreat hosted by my friends Mindy and Kathryn — a room full of business owners and corporate leaders. Successful women. And you know the stereotype: stiletto heels in each other's backs on the way up the ladder.

I was in a bad place. About 18 months after losing Elayna. I didn't feel healthy, I didn't like how I looked, and I wore my glasses ALL the time — the darker the rims, the better. I figured out later I was hiding behind them. Kinda Kathy. Kinda not Kathy.

Those women, most of whom I'd never met, looked right at me and asked, "Why don't you think you belong here?" No competition. No comparison. Just good questions, real listening, and lifting each other up.

That weekend started something. Somewhere around six years old, a loud, laughing little girl decided she was too much. A few shushes, a few eye-rolls — maybe real, maybe just how a six-year-old saw it — and she learned to mute herself. Here's what I finally figured out: I'm loud because I want everybody to enjoy this life. That's not pride. That's who God made me to be.

A loaf of bread on the porch

In my book, I tell the story of my friend Anne. While I was going through chemo, she texted out of the blue: she'd baked some bread, had an extra loaf, and could she leave it on my porch? We were in the same Bible study, but we really didn't know each other well. I believe the Holy Spirit nudged her — Kathy would like warm bread while she's lying in bed after treatment.

I got to talk to Anne this week, and she told me she thought it was a silly idea. She did it anyway. And she kept thinking it was silly until I told her how much it meant to me.

So here's the two-way part. When someone is kind to you, tell them. Say thank you. "Wow, I needed that right now."

After Elayna died, there came that time when the rest of the world goes back to normal — work, kids, schedules. But a few friends would text on some random Tuesday morning: "God brought you to mind today. I prayed for you." Some are STILL praying for our family three years later because they signed up for a prayer chain when Elayna was sick. Nancy or Nicole, if you're reading this — thank you.

God, who do you say that I am?

This morning at a women's event at our church, I did something I don't usually do. Normally I sit in the back and check things out. But I prayed first: Lord, whatever you'd have me do today, give me what I need. And I met so many new people. What a blessing obedience is.

We were created in God's image for relationship — Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is a relationship in His very nature. Isolation and anxiety feed off each other, and that's one of the enemy's favorite tools: get you alone and convince you of your inadequacies.

So here's what I'm trying, and I'd love for you to try it with me. The next time a comparison thought shows up, catch it and pray, "God, who do you say that I am?" The only comparison that matters is me today against me yesterday, growing more like Christ. Then ask Him who you can reach out to. Send a card. Make the call. Sit with the person who's alone at church. Say thank you to your husband for mowing the lawn.

Their response isn't your responsibility. The obedience is in the loving.

Your life gets bigger the more people you help win. I don't have to tear you down for me to win. Let's keep looking for good, together.

God loves you!

kr

 Listen to the full episode "Grand Theft Comparison" on The Kathy Rogers Podcast: Look for Good (formerly Your Best Friend's Mom).

---

About Kathy

Kathy Rogers is a speaker, business owner, author, and host of The Kathy Rogers Podcast: Look for Good. Her book, Look for Good: Discovering God in Grief, Celebration and the Every Days, shares how she learned to see God's goodness through cancer, the loss of her daughter Elayna, and the ordinary days in between. Kathy speaks to business audiences and ministries about growth in the struggles and the power of community. She lives in Richardson, Texas, with her husband, Bryan. Find her speaking information, podcast, and book at TheKathyRogers.com.